Learning

I have learned much. My stress level has significantly decreased lately, too. It's as if I really learn something new everyday, although I may not realize that I have, in fact, learned something right away.

This past weekend was the 2010 Carolinas Fall Getaway for North and South Carolina Campus Crusade for Christ ministries. Adjective of choice: phenomenal. Hank Marshman spoke, and he challenged us to be authentic. Authenticity is so much more than what my old youth pastor taught when he said "Be Real." Authenticity is true, genuine; sincere; not shallow; founded on truth, God. It is not guilt-ridden nor burdened by disappointment. It produces zealous conviction rather than mere opinion or passive conviction. I learned that God walks with us in our disappointment and failures, just as Jesus walked with his two disheartened followers down the road to Emmaus. They had no idea He was the man accompanying them, but as soon as they figured it out, they were reminded of their hope and immediately returned to where Jesus desired them to be. I am those followers too often; but I thank God that He is so faithful to remind me and not desert me when I walk away.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about my Granny. That weekend marked a month, after all. But I ended up applying the Gospel in a way that has helped me significantly. My Granny thought she was a failure. She believed I was disappointed in her. But she had the Son of God living in her. Jesus was completely innocent of any wrongdoing, but He died a horrid death on a cross, taking the punishment that God says we deserve. All we have to do to live eternally with Him in heaven is accept that gift of life that Jesus paid for and give Him the rule of our lives. (Who wouldn't want the Creator to take care of his life when He is so perfect and all-knowing and we are so imperfect and small?) There is nothing we can do to be good enough for God and earn salvation, and there is nothing we can do to lose that salvation He gives us. So, regardless of any of her failures or thoughts, she is alive with Christ. And I am as well. Forever. (Permanently!)

Step Back to Move Forward?

It has been all of maybe 2 days. So far, I have learned that a huge part of stress prevention and relief lies in perspective. Each day brings new struggles, just like Matthew 6:34 says, "So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings." God cares for the smallest of His creations, why should I doubt that He can and will take care of me, one of His greatest creations?

I have found myself becoming alarmed or stressed over myriad things in the past two weeks, and even in the past two days, but the reactions in the past two days have been much different. Instead of panicing and stressing myself to the point of no return, I've learned to take a step back and keep the situation in perspective. For example, just today I learned that the background check I have to have for my education class will not go through but I'm potentially still being charged for the report. I freaked out, almost cried, and considered myself to have had the worst day ever. The truth is that I had a wonderful day with a small glitch, a glitch that I can do nothing about at this point. It was hard, and definitely not my first thought, but after I mentally forced myself to consider the day's events in their entirety, I was able to realize that overreacting can seriously affect my mental health. Not only that, but I have been allowing myself to be bogged down and burdened by my circumstances.

Here's another truth for today: my circumstances do not determine my joy. Christ living in me is my Joy, and nothing can change that. In fact, joy is part of the fruit of the Spirit! When the Holy Spirit resides in me (which is always) the fruit of His presence and God's reign in me is "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control." So my newest lesson is to (1) step back, (2) consider the trials or hardships I face compared to the eternal hope that I have for heaven and that I have for a Christ-filled life here on earth, and (3) move on! And as an old friend of mine once told me, "Practice makes permanent," so I'll put this concept into practice and see how it goes.

Leaving

I am about to embark on a journey. It will probably be the longest, most difficult journey I've been on thus far in my life, but I shall endeavor it nonetheless. Honestly, I'm not sure what the point of this journey is, what I wish to accomplish or find. There may be no one with me on this journey; it may turn out that there are many on the journey with me whom I may meet along the way. All I really know is that where I am is not where I want to be, so I must leave it. By this point in my soliloquy, you ought to have caught on to the concept that I am not physically migrating anywhere. I am, however, abandoning a state of mind and being with which I am no longer content.

I want to be a better person, more confident, strong, peaceful, trusting, joyful, loving, generous, prioritized, role-model kind of person. I want to yearn for God more than I yearn for other things. I want to live a full life, enjoying simple pleasures and striving for more than complacency. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to be self-disciplined and ambitious. I want to be content and patient.

Ready, set, GO!

It's amazing how much better one's day can be when one begins the day with God.

Prayer of Confession

"                                                                               
   Father forgive us. Our memories have failed us and our hearts have not quickened us to remembrances of Your son and the price He paid for our salvation. Forgive us for ignoring Your sacrifice and leading a life of indulgence that is often anything but sacrificial.      
                                                                                 
We often do 'good works' in our power with such frenzy that we do not seek Your heart and face and do not ask Your counsel. We become ridden with anxiety and forget Your promise that You are building Your church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.      
                                                                          
Now, please help me to fix my mind on You, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. Help me to put my complete trust and hope in You and You alone, and forgive me when I do otherwise. Help me, Father, to place myself at the foot of Your throne knowing Your love and provision for me are incomprehensible. May Your glory and renown be my soul's purpose and my heart's true desire.

                                                                                                                                                               "

a mess

I sit in my room and cry sometimes. Especially now. My Granny died on Thursday morning a week ago; her funeral was on Sunday. It's so unreal. I've been repeating the same sentence all weekend, and all week: my Granny died today. We used to talk about everything and nothing. Then I learned that she was starting to be a bad influence on my sister and me because we thought everything she did and said was true and right. It wasn't always. But isn't that the case with everyone? Regardless, we grew apart and I dreaded having to talk to her, even over the phone, because I knew she'd ask when I would be free from homework or when I wouldn't have plans with friends so that we could spend some time together. In recent months, things seemed to be getting better. I talked to her more about God and about things of truth than things of little consequence. I looked forward to the day when things could return to even a semblance of how they'd been when I was a child.

She was unhappy with herself and what she'd become. One day, during some obscure conversation, I told her that God is disappointed when we sin; that when we do things that are disobedient or displeasing, whether it be lying or eating too much or murdering someone, He is saddened. She took that to mean that I believed God was disappointed in her. I didn't think that. Now she knows what I meant. I didn't want for her to have to see God in person before she would know that. At least she is seeing God; she's better off than I am, or any of us here are.

Her decision was to have gastric bypass surgery, against the advice of several doctors. It went well and she lost over 30 pounds in her three weeks of recovery. She was happy. And making plans. We were going to walk in the mall together. She hadn't been able to for a long time. She wanted to ride horses again. It's been decades, I think, since she's been on a horse. She was even going to go back to Wyoming with her friend, and really enjoy it. I hadn't seen her so anti-miserable in a long time. I was excited to walk in the mall with her, even if just in short intervals.

I got out of class about 10 minutes early on Thursday morning and, upon returning to my room, opened Facebook and my email accounts. My phone was at home (of course it would be) so I wanted to make sure all other lines of communication were open. Then I noticed that my Nana was online and I didn't want her to think I was slacking. I closed Facebook, and then saw an email that she'd sent me a message. She wanted me to call her ASAP. I called her on my roommate's phone; my roommate sat with me while I cried for an unexplained reason. In two hours, I was packed and riding home. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to see her. I didn't get to be with my family until hours after. She must have hurt when it happened. And we weren't there to help her, to hold her hand, to comfort her, to tell her we loved her. I didn't even get to yell at her not to go.

For days I haven't wanted to talk to God. I'm not angry at Him or even confused. Just sad. I talked to Him yesterday. My roommate needed help with a situation and God was my only source of advice for her. He used her to bring me back to Him right then. And it was refreshing. I'm still sad, but now I'm not alone and sad. In John 11, Jesus mourned with Martha and Mary over Lazarus' death. It's beyond unlikely that He'll be raising anyone from the dead today, but He's weeping with me in my pain. He's holding my hand as I face the future and step forward, albeit slowly. He knows how the next many days and weeks and months are going to play out, and He has already orchestrated His will to be done in my family. He has surrounded me with friends, true, Jesus-loving friends, to fellowship with and turn to, and He had my schedule and commitments already planned out before the summer began so that I would not be unbearably overwhelmed through this.

I don't know what the next step is. But like I told my roommate yesterday, God tells us to wait on Him and in Him. So I shall wait. I will cry, I will cope, I will continue in my schoolwork, I will seek His will. But I will wait. And I certainly will depend on Him for my comfort.