a mess

I sit in my room and cry sometimes. Especially now. My Granny died on Thursday morning a week ago; her funeral was on Sunday. It's so unreal. I've been repeating the same sentence all weekend, and all week: my Granny died today. We used to talk about everything and nothing. Then I learned that she was starting to be a bad influence on my sister and me because we thought everything she did and said was true and right. It wasn't always. But isn't that the case with everyone? Regardless, we grew apart and I dreaded having to talk to her, even over the phone, because I knew she'd ask when I would be free from homework or when I wouldn't have plans with friends so that we could spend some time together. In recent months, things seemed to be getting better. I talked to her more about God and about things of truth than things of little consequence. I looked forward to the day when things could return to even a semblance of how they'd been when I was a child.

She was unhappy with herself and what she'd become. One day, during some obscure conversation, I told her that God is disappointed when we sin; that when we do things that are disobedient or displeasing, whether it be lying or eating too much or murdering someone, He is saddened. She took that to mean that I believed God was disappointed in her. I didn't think that. Now she knows what I meant. I didn't want for her to have to see God in person before she would know that. At least she is seeing God; she's better off than I am, or any of us here are.

Her decision was to have gastric bypass surgery, against the advice of several doctors. It went well and she lost over 30 pounds in her three weeks of recovery. She was happy. And making plans. We were going to walk in the mall together. She hadn't been able to for a long time. She wanted to ride horses again. It's been decades, I think, since she's been on a horse. She was even going to go back to Wyoming with her friend, and really enjoy it. I hadn't seen her so anti-miserable in a long time. I was excited to walk in the mall with her, even if just in short intervals.

I got out of class about 10 minutes early on Thursday morning and, upon returning to my room, opened Facebook and my email accounts. My phone was at home (of course it would be) so I wanted to make sure all other lines of communication were open. Then I noticed that my Nana was online and I didn't want her to think I was slacking. I closed Facebook, and then saw an email that she'd sent me a message. She wanted me to call her ASAP. I called her on my roommate's phone; my roommate sat with me while I cried for an unexplained reason. In two hours, I was packed and riding home. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to see her. I didn't get to be with my family until hours after. She must have hurt when it happened. And we weren't there to help her, to hold her hand, to comfort her, to tell her we loved her. I didn't even get to yell at her not to go.

For days I haven't wanted to talk to God. I'm not angry at Him or even confused. Just sad. I talked to Him yesterday. My roommate needed help with a situation and God was my only source of advice for her. He used her to bring me back to Him right then. And it was refreshing. I'm still sad, but now I'm not alone and sad. In John 11, Jesus mourned with Martha and Mary over Lazarus' death. It's beyond unlikely that He'll be raising anyone from the dead today, but He's weeping with me in my pain. He's holding my hand as I face the future and step forward, albeit slowly. He knows how the next many days and weeks and months are going to play out, and He has already orchestrated His will to be done in my family. He has surrounded me with friends, true, Jesus-loving friends, to fellowship with and turn to, and He had my schedule and commitments already planned out before the summer began so that I would not be unbearably overwhelmed through this.

I don't know what the next step is. But like I told my roommate yesterday, God tells us to wait on Him and in Him. So I shall wait. I will cry, I will cope, I will continue in my schoolwork, I will seek His will. But I will wait. And I certainly will depend on Him for my comfort.